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All the years of my youth the was but one golden idol of foil-wrapped chocolate eggs and in its decadence we desired nothing else. However, in recent years the good old Cadbury egg has tiptoed into new horizons with mini Cadbury Creme eggs and new types of fillings such as chocolate, orange, and caramel. Other companies have now thrown their contenders into the ring to begin a steel cage match of the Easter candy persuasion. Even though I'll always root for my reigning champion, I still want to see the competitors get smacked in the face with a folding chair.

While it's not unusual for someone like me to run to CVS for a couple cans of cat food, it is a little eyebrow-raising when
I arrive at the register with 2 cans of Fancy Feast and 7 various types of candy eggs. At least now I'm at an age where I can pretend I have a small child at home. I hope that's what the cashier assumes, anyway, because it's easier to swallow the lie than to believe I'm taking them home to eat and review on the internet.

cad creme

First we'll start with the glorious Cadbury egg. It's easily recognizable even without the wrapper due to the etched designs on the chocolate. I'm convinced that in the future the star pattern on Cadbury eggs will serve as the new generic non-religious symbol for Easter or "Spring Holiday" as it seem to be called these days. Cadbury chocolate has a smooth flavor that even someone with an unrefined palate like me can distinguish. I probably couldn't tell the difference between box wine and Don Perignon but I can attest that I know my Cadbury from my Hershey.The Cadbury chocolate is smooth and has a richly sweet flavor and texture that dances around the tongue. The shell can be easily split open to reveal the decadent fondant center in it's plentiful white and orange perfection. My Easter breakfast will consist of a Cadbury Creme egg omelet with Mini Egg sprinkles.

caramel

The Cadbury Caramel egg contains the same smooth, creamy almost malty outer chocolate shell but the inside it filled with a large glob of thick luscious caramel. The caramel is reminiscent of caramel cubes and has that nice pull on it like in a Milky Way or Mars Bar, for those of your that have a taste for candy that was discontinued in 2000.

wonka

The Wonka egg is in a field all its own. The rich cocoa-y chocolate is abbreviated with graham cracker bits, but not nearly enough graham to give it a real crunchy punch. In the middle is a light (but not nougat light) blob of caramel, as well as a blob of air. It's not a terrible specimen, but could be vastly improved with bigger chunks of graham and a more fluffy chocolate center. It's like the Volkswagen beetle -- kinda cute and fun in theory but the dynamics will leave you pretty fucked on impact.

van and choc

Russell Stover produced two sick versions of chocolate eggs. Actually they produced four, but I only have two and will refute the existance of other varieties. The first is Vanilla and Chocolate Creme. The outer shell is more of a darker chocolate, solid, and less melty. The inside if filled with runny creme that looks like snot with diarrhea in it. The creme is clear and runny and overall has a very less distinguishable flavor.

marsh caramel

The Mallow Caramel trial isn't much of an improvement, in fact I think I lost 10 hit points by eating it. The piss poor outer shell was covered in goo and the foil wrapper was stuck to it, forcing me to peel it off in small sections. The innards were a horrific explosion of pus and phlegm creme with such a nasty texture it felt like rotting meringue.

lindor

Lindor truffles aren't on the top of my list, but they're up there. I find I like them much better during holidays when the packages are decked out in spooky ghosts or snowflakes. The Lindor egg is almost a cross between a Lindor truffle and a Cadbury egg. The truffle center is smooth and not overwhelmingly sweet. The texture is creamy and almost refreshing. The wrapping isn't very festive, though I imagine they're trying to appeal to a more refined crowd. I'd personally like to see them come in the more familiar holiday bags and decorated with pastel bunnies and chicks.

divine my butt

Finally we come to Absolutely Divine with is absolutely bullshit. It seems this is the generic CVS version of the Cadbury Creme Egg. The shell is much thicker to the point that it leaves little room for any inner goo. The "creme" insides look more like orange spit and ejaculate in the middle and tastes about the same. It's not at all creamy and delicious and honestly, wasn't any cheaper than the real McCoy.

Put all your eggs in the Cadbury basket because the imposters are falling drastically short. No bunny knows Easter better than the Cadbury Bunny and he commands you to hippity hop to the grocery store and pick up a dozen creme eggs. If you put them on the counter at midnight on Easter, they will crack and fry because THERE IS NO EASTER BUNNY, ONLY ZUUL!

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