We're in a new era for female gamers, and I'm not just talking about video games. Sure, you can now buy a pink Wiimote, but it's more than that. You can also pick up a pink tennis racket, fishing pole, 20-sided die, and keyboard. These days more women are proud to be pink because it's not just for Barbie, anymore. We chicks are rubbing elbows with the big boys, and we're ready to smash the glass ceiling with our pink hammer like the superwomen we are.
Yes, I clench my vag a little lest I pee myself every time I see the Disney Princesses busting ass in the toy aisle. I want to see Aurora's dress change color with warm or icy water. I want Jasmine to plug-and-play her own versions of Pac-Man and Puzzle Bobble in my TV. I want to sing with Snow White, sew with Cinderella, and swim with Ariel. Then I want to down a few Cosmos and ask them if they masturbate pinky-up.
It looks like the good people at Hasbro finally got my strawberry-scented memo, because they've released three girl-friendly board games exclusively to Toys "R" Us. The times are long gone where our only female-targeted choices for sleepovers were "Mystery Date" or "Girl Talk." Not that there's anything wrong with zit stickers and sales at the shopping boutique, but why should we have to be a crummy boot in Monopoly instead of a sleek stiletto?
First we have a combination the likes of which haven't been seen since the merging of peanut butter and jelly. Jenga is a classic game of balance and skill but typically has the style of a Lincoln Log. Girl Talk Jenga has been beautified with carnation and coral pink blocks with gorgeous white logo printing on the sides. It also comes with a stacking sleeve in hot pink microfiber, to ensure maximum shiekness in in your stack.
As each block is removed, the player receives a question ranging from their current crush to their favorite TV show. Certainly not the risque questions we might ask past adolescence, but it does add a little sweetness to the game. If you want to make things more interesting, you can always just make up your OWN questions. Let's not leave out adding alcohol to the equation because really, walking straight lines is old school. Testing your level of intoxication by means of Jenga hands is really where it's at.
Twister pink is spot-on with fuzzy female fun! The board colors have taken on a more pastel spin and the whole game folds up to fit into a posh plush purse. Now girls can flip off their flops and hop onto the vinyl playing board to twist and tie themselves into a Pepto-colored frenzy. Whether or not the players fall all over each other in a wild knotted orgy depends on the kind of slumber party planned, but playing naked could bring a whole new meaning to "Twister Pink."
The spots themselves are even funkier than normal, tossing aside the old solids and giving a fresh swirl on the inside. It gives the board a bit of a candy store feel, like you want to lick the spots to see if they have a fruity, creamy center. Sadly I don't think "tongue to purple" is on the spinner board, but I bet they'd taste like Laffy Taffy.
Lastly we have the Monopoly "Boutique" edition. So far we've had everything from Quilting Monopoly to Hobopoly stacking up in collectible shops just in case good old granny comes by and wants to blow $40 on a game just because Elvis is plastered on the box. Unlike those baby blue boards with a few swapped pictures and maybe a change of font, the pink version of Monopoly clears the playing field and brings a divine new level to the game.
It starts with the obvious change of making the board pink with curly-q lettering all over. The pieces instead of the usual boat and hat are thinks like cell phones and sunglasses that have loops on them so they'll double as charms. Instead of building houses and hotels, you build boutiques and malls and trot around various spas and resort locations. Community Chest and Chance are replaced with Text Messages and Instant Messages. Even the dice and property cards are pink, but the best part is that the whole game folds up into a convenient jewelry box style case. No more toting around a long flimsy cardboard box, hoping that a rubber band will keep the tiny little houses from spilling out.
I really would have liked to see the Monopoly Man replaced with a Monopoly Woman. I'm curious what a female version of the mustachioed icon would look like. I'm thinking a cocktail dress with pearls and opera glasses should suit.
A massive brava to Toys "R" Us for getting the exclusive sales of these fierce feminine frivolities. Buying all three will set you back $70, but can you really put a price on girl power?