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Last night I drove down the road to get soft ice cream at CeGee's because I'd already hit up Rita's a couple weeks prior. I have a friend that claims average working class people all go to Rita's, but yuppies always go to Dairy Queen. As I pulled in to the Drive-In I wondered what that made me. I was debating getting some shopping done, and decided since I was out, I might as well make like the Nike slogan and "just do it." Thus I was torn between wanting to savor my ice cream as I drive, and knowing that I would soon be passing the Giorgio mushroom plant a few miles down. That place has the most musty shit stank ever and driving by while eating is generally not a great idea.

I managed not to buy ANY Pound Puppies or Care Bears

After planting $85 at Toys "R" Us on nothing but pink things, I headed onto Wal-Mart for tomatoes and nail polish. Like most people I went in for two things and came out with 24. In my defense, I did at least remember to get what I actually went for. I was thinking about doing a long blog rant on the shape change of the Icy Tea half gallon containers, only to remember practically none of you know of the supreme force that is Icy Tea. It was only until I first ventured to Colorado that I realized Icy Tea is a regional thing like saying "outten the lights" and "the milk is all."

On nearly every grocery store trip I make, I check out the Kid Cuisine. They've been relatively tame for years and I've been patiently waiting for something spectacular to pop up. I wouldn't say I lived off Kid Cuisine in my youth, but there certainly was a fair amount of them stored in the freezer from time to time. A few years ago my mom thought it highly amusing to keep buying them for me as an odd nostalgic treat. This went on for months. You know how some people are born with extra chromosomes like XYY? Well I think my mom was born with an extra mother gene.

To sidetrack, my mother is a saint, and the greatest gift she's ever given me was that I inherited her sense of humor. Nothing short of humor could keep her in a loveless marriage with my bigot of a father. A fair few of my friends are jealous that my mother is just happy that I'm not a drug-peddling whore and that I can openly speak to her about usually touchy subjects like my love life. Case in point, some time ago my mom was listening to Sean Hannity and they were discussing how he was runner up for the sexiest newscaster in, "a popular woman's magazine," but failed to mention which one. About a week later I found out which one as I was in my room paging through Playgirl. I grinned evilly, folded the page back and went off to show my mom with an all-too-innocent look on my face. When she asked which mag it was I flipped all the pages around in her face, listening to her groan, "Uggghh.... why would you pay money to look at photos of MEN'S DIRTY SCHLONGS?!" I cackled for 10 minutes straight.

pandas

Kid Cuisine is just perhaps one of those odd mother-daughter bonding things for us. I was always so overjoyed by those little packets of blue icing and bonus stickers. As I peered into the freezer case yesterday I saw a "Limited Edition" stamp and did a victory march all the way to the checkout. As I put my items on the belt I became suddenly aware that my bra had decided to shift slightly upwards under my Double Dare t-shirt. One of my girls was gunning for freedom. I played it cool until I hit my car and shifted the bottom half of my right ta-ta back in place.

This particular Kid Cuisine meal promoted upcoming DreamWorks movie Kung Fu Panda. I love everything about those three words. Kung. Fu. Panda. Move over penguins, because pandas are taking over as the new cuddly black and white favorite of the animal kingdom! Thankfully, since I had been to the movies just prior to this, I'd already had the pleasure of Kung Fu Panda telling me to stop sending text messages in the theater and to turn off my damn cell phone. I can't say I'll fork out the $9 to see Kung Fu Panda, but the marketing will make me smile and instill many joyous giggles.

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There's a mail-in form on the back that will get you a "free" Bop Bag with 10 Panda points, but who in their right mind would want to punch a panda? They're the cutest type of bears, aside from perhaps the koala, which isn't even really a bear, it's a marsupial! I'm a little surprised about the "conventional oven" directions because I can't imagine anyone that would have so much free time and be so anal that they cook TV dinners in a real oven. Maybe this should be tied in with the Rita's/Dairy Queen debate. Maybe yuppies cook Kid Cuisine in the oven and everyone else nukes them on HIGH.

tray

While it's no brownie goo, the fruit snacks came in a pretty cute little package thus preventing them from carrying surprise corn kernels. I read and re-read the directions, which told me to remove the film from the fruit snacks, but didn't say anything about the rest of the film. I've become fairly well schooled in cooking microwave meals since I pack a Lean Cuisine or SmartOnes for lunch every day at work so I decided it would be in my best interest to at least poke some holes in the cover. Into the microwave they went, two minutes on high, stirred, and then another minute on a lower setting. I don't understand the point of making my mac and cheese boil just so I can wait half an hour for it to cool back down.

poses

I was deeply saddened to find that I had no stickers or miniature activity book to page through while I cooked my meal. Where's my dot-to-dot? My knock-knock jokes? My word search with "cheese" and "fun" among the list of finds? What am I supposed to be entertaining myself with from this box? Then I saw it. I was supposed to be practicing my Kung Fu poses. I was doing pretty well until I came to that far right stance where I'm supposed to do a mid-air split. I've attempted to put my foot behind my head enough times to know that I just don't have that kind of flexibility.

traydone

After removing the film for good I placed my fruit snacks in the tray so they could warm up. They don't tell you to do that, but it seemed the obvious thing to do. There was no character guide to the fruit snacks, and I was closely inspecting the green ones wondering why they looked less like pandas and more like intestines. Upon investigation, I think they're supposed to be snakes. The fruit snacks were nice and solid which pleased me because I can't stand when my fruit snacks have the consistency of gummy bears. Unless, of course, we're talking about Amazin' Fruit, but that's a whoooole other ballgame.

My mac & cheese and corn was fairly appetizing. I didn't honestly inspect the shapes since there wasn't a guide for the pasta, either. With pasta shapes it's not always so much the intricacy of the design as it is just the idea that they're shaped like favorable characters. You can probably cook wagon wheel pasta and tell a kid they're ninja throwing stars without them particularly noticing, especially if there's cheese slop dumped all over. I dig wagon wheel pasta for having the balls to look like playing pieces from Trivial Pursuit. Though I'd rather have pasta pieces of Pop-o-matic Trouble.

$1.84 is probably the least I've spent on an article ever, and I got lunch out of the deal! Next I'll be writing a lengthy exposé on my love of Parmesan Basil Wheat Thins.


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