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Boglins

Being a webmaster, I collect a lot of strange things on eBay. Something I've recently starting amassing are old toy dealer catalogs. The ones that companies like Hasbro, Playmates, and Tonka send out to toy store owners to show them all the new goodies to stock their shelves with. They're the best source of clear and professional images of toys from the past, as well as great for referencing things like dates and descriptions.

Swamp Boglins

I was paging through some Mattel catalogs and stopped to look at the Boglins. Okay, I mainly stopped to look at this horrible picture of a young boy about to go hardcore scuba diving with a pitchfork, water wings, and a duckie inner tube. It was promoting the Soggy Boglins that lived within murky swamps and took a resemblance to characters from the Little Mermaid as designed by Tim Burton.

That's when I noticed something strange that made this look less like an advertisement and more like one of those "circle everything wrong in this picture" puzzles from Highlights magazine. Tucked away into his water wing, are two Snickers. Not tucked away in a pocket, or caught on his net, purposely shoved into his inflatable arm band. This is weird in itself, and even weirder when you realize Snickers are present in all the photos.

Nite Creature Boglins

I can't imagine that the photographer was setting up the shoot and suddenly remembered he had a couple Snickers and wanted to use them as props. In all the photos. There's some evil significance to the presence of these Snickers amongst pictures of demonic winged sperm. These boys are obviously on some sort of Boglins related adventures, and were quite meticulous about strapping a couple of chocolatey peanuty nougat goodness onto their selves. Were they so swayed by the "Snickers Satisfies You" commercials or did they all just like candy bars way too much?

Soggy Boglins

This one has Snickers straped on as artillery and protected with sharp metal spikes. Is that how Boglins got into those little cages? Hordes of young boys armed with nets and Snickers? Or are the Snickers some form of protective device? Blobkins have been known to make bargains over chocolate, perhaps all Boglins had a sweet tooth in addition to their dirt and slime tooth. I decided to put my theory to the test.

01

I've watched enough cartoons to receive a masters degree in character trapping. The classics never go out of style -- prop a box up on a stick and hide around a corner with an attached rope to trap the creature under the box. I used two Snickers as bait, one regular and a green-filled Shrek Snickers I picked up without realizing it. Boglins would probably prefer Snickers that look like they're filled with baby puke, anyway. I sat. I waited. I tied blades of grass into little knots. Eventually the trap rattled, and I tugged my rope to capture my prey.

02

It was a troll. Instead of a Boglin I caught the world's ugliest fucking troll doll. AND he ate part of my bait. Crap.

I wasn't able to catch anything else all day. Maybe it wasn't boggy enough, maybe I should have covered the Snickers in mud, maybe I should have torn the troll limb from limb and used him as bait. As for the Boglins Snickers Conspiracy, I guess we'll have to file this with the cold cases.

 

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