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It was a lazy Sunday afternoon when I turned on the television and spotted a commercial for the TMNT Happy Meal. I knew that was the end of my loafing for the day. I got up, pulled on my jeans, and left to get all my little green buddies. I had two main McDonald's options, both on the same stretch of road, but one about 5 minutes further down. I went to the further one because it was closer to locations that might have other turtle related goodies.

Leonardo in action

I went inside, because ordering just toys through the drive-through tends to confuse the hell out of the workers. While waiting in line, I glanced at the menu, and noticed their sign for Shamrock Shakes was still up. Certainly they couldn't have just forgotten to take it down. But, I was there for other green things.

The cashier was a young blonde girl, maybe 17 years old, and completely frazzled by my wanting TMNT toys so badly. To my dismay, she claimed to only have the first two toys in the set available, and asked how many I needed. I told her 8, since there's 8 in the whole set, and she cocked her eyebrow giving me this valley girl, "Are you serious?" I'm not ashamed of my fandom, I'll own up to about anything including that I enjoy listening to Kenny Rogers and own a vibrator designed to look like a toy soldier. But, it seems she thought I wanted 8 of each, and I just smiled at her and told her to give me one of whichever ones she had, and a Shamrock Shake, then I went on my way.


Down the road I had much better luck, although they tried to pull the "We only have the first two," on me again until the manager came over and offered to fish the rest out of the box in the back for me. They even obliged to put them in a Happy Meal bag for me. I was really hoping for an official TMNT Happy Meal box, complete with parts to punch out to turn the box into a playset and maybe a word scramble on the side. Instead I got a crummy bag, half of which was covered in promos for the Wizard of Oz doll Happy Meal. Why does everyone think girls don't like Ninja Turtles? If I had a dollar for every time I had to play April O'Neill on the playground, I'd of had quite a few more additions to my Panini sticker books as a kid.

Even the Ninja Turtles can't escape McDonald's attempts to make Ronald look less like a clown and more like he has exercise bulimia. The side of the bag features Ronald doing a ninja stance and reads, "Ninjas are quick and flexible. Try stretching each day to move like they do." Shit, can't kids eat a damn cheeseburger without being told what fatasses they'll become if they're not constantly active?


Notice how the turtles are all different shades of green. It's possible this is done to further distinguish between them, or it could be some sort of subtle "racial harmony" message. I thought maybe I missed something in the movie, and they are really were different shades of green. I think I'd remember Mikey being neon.


Nope, they're all relatively the same shade of green, although Mikey is still clearly the hottest of them all.

There's two figures for each turtle, one is a 5" stiff standing pose that looks like a bottle of Ninja Turtles bubble bath. When you press the head down, the shell opens up to reveal a small wheeled toy inside. Some of the shells aren't secured very tightly, and a quick movement is enough to pop it open and spill out your little orange Mikey on a skateboard. If you pop it just right, there's a little track on the inside of the shell that the toy can slide down and launch out of.

The other style is a 4½" action figure with movable pieces and ninja maneuvers. My favorite is Donatello, with his twirling bo staff. Raphael kicks when you push his arm, which makes it the best for knocking down the other figures as they get booted in the groin. When you squeeze Michelangelo's feet he punches, but when you squeeze Leonardo's feet he slashes his own knee. You can connect them together by tucking Leo's sword around Mikey's waist and make it look like they're dancing.


For McDonald's prizes, they're pretty badass. Much better than the pull-back racers and immobile PVC figures of yesteryear. They're clearly more flimsy than your average turtle figure, but the collection is certainly worth the money, especially if you're getting fries out of the deal.


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