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Generally people who don't like animals are satanists, so to secure my stake in saintliness, I took my sacred self to the Horse and Pet Expo over the weekend. I wasn't expecting much more than a center the size of a hotel conference room, filled with people with rats slung over their shoulders and vendors selling organic pet chow. The Reading Expo Center was quite larger than I had anticipated, and there was a lot more to do than ride horses and hum the My Little Pony theme.

BONDAGE GEAR

Walls of bondage gear was a'plenty, and there were enough straps and leather to satisfy an army of dominatrixes. No more restless nights wondering if I'll ever find a red harness to match my riding crop and gag bit. I'm just trying to even the score -- dogs shouldn't have more colorful straps than I do.

Doggie tricks

There was a show provided by Ed Jakubowski and the Discdogs A2Z. He brought out a few dogs and they hopped about catching one frisbee after another with amazing accuracy. I was impressed. I'd get tired simply throwing that many frisbees let alone catching them while standing on my masters back. It must have taken a lot of cereal box tops to send out for all those flying discs, though. Maybe he was substituting dog chow for Frankenberry.

Some sort of dog show was going on as well, but I just can't stand those things. I'm a rebel and I like my dogs well fed on table scraps. Guys who dedicate their lives to feeling up dogs and checking between their legs to make sure their sacks are symmetrical just seem awkward to me. Dog show judges seem anal, like they wipe their asses pinky out.

Doggie plushies

Pet shows must be like strip clubs for furry fans. Animals everywhere, plushes like you can't imagine, and everything you never wanted but suddenly can't live without. I'm not sure if those husky hangars are for normal clothes or dog clothes, but I had no intention of inquiring because I really didn't want to risk them bringing up boxes of doggy tutus. I can't imagine owning this many plushies, especially this many plushies of one breed alone. I have enough neglected stuffed toys that might come to life and kill me to keep me an insomniac until the day I die.

I love my cat, but I'm not entirely certain why I need it chiseled in stone. I guess it makes a cute garden decoration, but do my flowers and vegetables really need to know how much I adore my favorite feline companion? Not for $20, thanks.
Oh i totally do

Big pussy

Speaking of pussies, there was a giant one up in a cage. Yep, one single solitary tiger. It was in a cage that was up about 10 feet in the air, I guess so no one would try to poke their fingers, cameras, or babies nearby. He sat there resting most of the time, facing away from the general audience. The best place to get a shot was holding my camera above my head in the corner, and unfortunately a group of college students were in my way. Since my photos were way more important than the ones they were trying to take on their camera phones, I stood right in front of them and started slowly herding them back so i could get some good shots. I justify it in my mind by proclaiming myself a professional blogger, and thereby think I have the rights to photograph what I want. It's not really true, but the attitude helps.

FROGGIES

Froggies were swimming about in enclosed ecosystems that looked so easy to care for I had to think twice about taking one home. Knowing that my cat wouldn't leave the thing alone, I passed, but man, having a tiny frog in colorful box like that seems like a great pet. I love little aquatic life, and I've wanted a teeny tiny sea turtle for as far back as I can remember. Who doesn't love teeny tiny sea turtles? Nazis -- that's who! Unfortunately, I can never commit to owning one because I know it will not only grow to the size of a dinner plate, but it'll live for a bajillion years. I don't want to be 60 years old and swabbing turtle poop out of a 200 gallon tank.

Your lizard seems limp

Man, that gater was so stoned. Not only was his mouth seran wrapped, but you can tell from how limp he is that they probably drugged the shit out of him. I told the gater I had a bag that looks just like him, but he was probably flying too high to hear me. I'd never held a gater before, but I have a few photos of myself as a child holding snakes. Gaters are an upgrade, and I'm sure the $5 for the photo went to some sort of charity preventing my little buddy there from becoming shoes and keeping him stocked in fish and hallucinogenics.

HAHA tortoise and the hare

I had to pay extra to get inside the petting zoo, and the attendants were looking at me in a slightly crass fashion since I was snapping photos left and right. Fortunately, I'm too shrewd to pay notice, and too intimidating for anyone to say anything. The whole time I could see people getting a little iffy about my big black-clad body poking my cute pink camera around, but since I was shooting zoomed in from a reasonable distance and not shining my flash in the animals faces, I wasn't concerned. Especially since most of the animals were sleeping, anyway. I did find Camilla, and she was just as pretty as Gonzo ever said she was. There were also real, live peeps, not the marshmallow kind!

My Little Pony

Since it was St. Patrick's Day weekend, there was an appearance by the official Irish My Little Pony. She declined an interview for anything less than a sugar cube and a box of rainbows, and since all I had was a couple gumdrops and a magic sparkle, I missed my chance. I did, however, overhear her making very snide remarks about the hairstyles of some of the other ponies. The earth pony a few blocks down was much nicer, and presented us with a fine display of herself rolling in the hay.


Ferrets
It wouldn't be a proper pet show without ferrets -- the pet everyone wants to own but no one wants to clean up after. Sure they love to play, but they love to stink just as much. These weasels seem to be growing immensely in popularity despite how demanding and expensive they can be. They're like brown skunks without the spray sack, but the leashes are kinda cute.


PIGGIES

My favorite part of the whole excursion was Piggyvilla. PIGS IN BEDS, PIGS IN BEDS!! Several pot bellied pigs were living it up lounging about in adorably decorated pens complete with decorations and tiny pig-sized beds. I even caught one of the attendants feeding three little piggies soft pretzel from her mouth.

Piggy corral

I stood around for a while, hoping that I could catch one of the pigs crawling into the tube and get a shot from the other side. While I was standing there, I could overhear families talking to the owners about what it's like to have pigs as a pet. With the release of the new Charlotte's Web movie, it seems people are starting to seriously considering buying pigs for their children. And I thought I was going overboard asking for an American Girl doll as a kid. Sheesh!

The day was met with much barking, neighing, meowing, sniffing, petting, and ended with my sinuses trying to explode out of my eyes from all the animal dander. I had a cute overload and better yet got to play "EEEEWWWWW.... come look at this gross thing!!" with my friends. It was a great way to kill an afternoon, and get 93 photos out of the deal.

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