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Vader

For geeks and nerds worldwide, Darth Vader is the ultimate badass. With an aura that can destroy any flora within a 50 mile radius, this black-clad baddy has almost as many likenesses forged in his image as Jesus. Darth Vader could plaster his face on tampons, and swarms of fanboys would engage in eBay bidding wars to buy every last box on Earth.

My Star Wars fandom is lived vicariously through friends. I respect Star Wars more than I'm in love with Star Wars, and I didn't even see Return of the Jedi until I was 23. You'd never know if you saw the photos of me as a high school freshman molesting a life size Han Solo cut-out. Or the photos of me trick-or-treating with a 10 year old girl dressed as Darth Vader that same year. I hid my shame even through being a bridesmaid in a wedding with a Star Wars soundtrack.

Vader

Finding a Vader figure was a fairly easy task, but somehow the staff at KayBee Toys didn't think so. The wall of Star Wars figures was directly in front of the store. As I entered, a female worker asked if I was looking for something, and I responded, "Yeah I need a figure of Darth Vader," and despite being three steps from the display she felt the need to guide me there. The girl pointed out the different types to me, and I stood there and glared at her until she left me alone. I was hoping for a figure more towards the 8" mark, but wound up with less than half that.

Vader

First thing I wanted to make his cloaks more wizard like. The main cloak came off with a quick snip, but there was a smaller one around his waist that seemed to be attached to his codpiece, so I didn't want to snip it off. Immediately the idea of bleaching came to mind. I went into the laundry room and grabbed the Clorox, soaking thoroughly, but the cape didn't fade a single shade. I chalked it up to bad bleach, and tried dipping his ass in peroxide for 3 hours. The fabric was still dark as night. Next I tried a bleach pen... then a different liquid bleach, then special fabric dye remover... then a different bleach pen, and the entire figure was still soul-sucking black. Darth Vader figures are impervious to all bleaches.

I whipped out the paperwork for Plan B, snipped off most of the fabric and left enough to attach a new slice of fabric with glue. I had the perfect material stowed away, and cut out some lovely pieces for him and set them aside. I went for a pastel color motif -- lilac, robin's egg blue, and canary yellow. I kicked the lightsaber down a notch from red to hot pink.

Vader

I attached pipe cleaner, the cloaks, and a fuzzy little pom pom on the back with a krazy glue pen. My vision for a wizard bunny Vader was fulfilled. Badly. The paint job didn't come out nearly as clean as I hoped, and the colors weren't really what I was envisioning, either. Completely defacing a Darth Vader figure is still more fun than painting anything else.

Vader behind

From the back the poor paint job isn't quite as obvious. Plus you can see his hippity hoppity widdle tail! Maybe I should just have him bronzed, cuz I'm all out of frozen carbonite.

 

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