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The Ketchup Vampires video had been sitting on the shelves of a nearby used video store for years. Every time I visited I looked at it and passed it over. I knew it was very rare for Just for Kids video to release any cartoons of great worth. Sure, they had a few decent films like Princess Gigi (Minky Momo) and Noozles. But most of their cartoons were badly dubbed foreign cartoons that weren't even that popular in their native countries.

Nonetheless, one day there was a big sale, and I walked out of said video store with The Ketchup Vampires among my purchases. I suppose the seal on the deal was that the video had Elvira narrating, and I loves me some Elvira. I solely blame Elvira not only for making me buy $35 bras to squash my boobs into perfect little cleavagetastic orbs, but for the onslaught of revealing black ensembles in my wardrobe.

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(click here to download the theme song)

The Ketchup Vampires is another one of those badly dubbed overseas videos that Just for Kids brought state-side. That means it can go one of two ways. It can be so bad that it's hilarious and therefore good. Or it can just be bad. Bad bad.

It was bad bad. I put it in the VCR and turned the tape case over expecting to see a length time of 30 minutes. This baby dragged on for 90 minutes and seemed like it dragged on for 90 days. 5 minutes in and I was already bored and playing DS with the TV on in the background. I can't even give an in-depth review because I think I might have to stab forks into my eyes to finish.

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The premise is basically this.... there's a family of vampires that drink ketchup and eat tomato-based foods instead of blood. They thwarted some ancient ceremony that creates blood-lusting vampires by stealing the ceremonial book. 30-some years later some shit goes down and the vampires try to steal the book back and make lots of cracks about blood sausage along the way. At one point the blood vampires try to steal the book by giving the ketchup vampires a baby. I don't know why the didn't just eat the baby.... it would have made more sense, and been a lot more interesting.

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Eventually the blood vampires get an "omen" from Dracula and discover his ruby ring. Their old decrepit leader becomes his powerful youthful self again with the power of the ring. Then he's told of a ceremony that will bring the blood vampires back into power. If one of the blood vamp girls kisses the hero of the ketchup vampires in a magic circle, they will regain their former rule.

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There's all these weird sub-plots like the professor living next door to the ketchup vampires renting extra rooms to the blood vampires. There's also about the weirdest thing I've ever seen in a cartoon. Within the span of a night, two bats fall in love, get pregnant, and give birth to 3 baby bats. Does ANY animal populate that quickly? Because that's gotta be some seriously potent fertilization techniques they're using. Maybe it's all in the upside-down positioning. Hmmm...

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In the end... man do I even need to tell you this? The ketchup vampires thwart the blood vampires once again. Then they go back to bottling ketchup with smiley face tomato pictures on the front. The thing that scared me the most about this feature was finding out that there's a Ketchup Vampires 2. *shudder* I feel sorry for the children that live in the country this is made from. They need to get some Spongebob up in that shit, stat.

 

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