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The internet is plagued with articles on Mario and Luigi fart jokes that guys are continually typing up with their penises. It's no secret that girls are minority in the gaming world be it table top, video, roleplaying, or otherwise. I had a brief stint working at my local arcade, and was convinced the greasy haired boys swarming around Tekken thought the machine would grow boobs if they played with it long enough.

That being said, games marketed for girls take up a miniscule amount of the market. We used to have real girl games, not just shitty Uno with pictures of Bratz printed on the cards. We conquered the mall and were covered in zit stickers all while scarfing down pizza and talking about boys at our friends' slumber party. When we ran out of things to do, we'd consult American Girl magazine for about a billion new games.

Yes, going to the toy store and finding out that these days there's more versions of Spiderman than there are of Barbie can be a depressing ordeal. Sometimes we girls have to take what we can and add lace and sparkles as needed. Or, you could pick up one of the titles under my Top 10 Girl Games.

The Sims

Although targeted at older teens and young adults of both genders, The Sims managed to grow an exceptional audience of female fans. Home design, relationships, shopping, dating, family.... sounds like the hot topics of interest in every women's magazine in the country. It's no wonder that women flocked to this game, leaving their sexually frustrated boyfriends to rot in front of the TV while they basked in the glow of their computer. In fact, 50% of sales for this game were from females. The other 50% was from guys buying it for their girlfriends.

The Sims had a great hand in getting girls into the modding game. It's not too long into the game you figure out the rosebud;!;!;! cheat and have to go wandering off to the internet for expensive new matching furniture to buy. Watching Joe and Jane Smith having a good old romp in the sack got dull. You needed those Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask skins.

Hello Kitty Jump Rope

We girls love playing Jump Rope. That's not to say jump rope isn't great for boys in fitness training. It's just that we girls make more of a game of it. There's an entire Berenstain Bear book dedicated to Sister's love of jump rope, though it's a little hard to come by.

There's about a million rhymes and jingles to go with jump rope. Each school has their own standards passed down every generation from friends, siblings, and nearby cousins. Also occasionally from episodes of The Simpson's featuring Sheri and Teri. Jump rope games can predict everything from how many kisses a boy will give you to how many days it'll take you to kill him and inherit all his money.

Okay, so Bubble Bobble may not be the most female oriented game, but let me say this -- if you're a guy and you really like to play Bubble Bobble, maybe you should double check your sexual preference. The game revolves around two cutetastic little dinos named Bob and Bub that belch bubbles to defeat their enemies. It might not be flamingly pink, but it's chock full of strawberries, ice cream, cute little animals, and -- of course -- bubbles! I'm not even going to get into the sequel, Rainbow Island, because that game is best viewed completely smashed with ecstasy.

Girl Talk

Some games don't cost you anything. You can play Duck Duck Goose or 7 Minutes in Heaven to your heart's content without spending a dime. This angers the gaming companies who develop 2,000 different versions of Monopoly alone just so they can sleep in mattresses stuffed with hundred dollar bills. One of the greatest girl sleep over games was thrust into the board game world. Girl Talk produced the Truth of Dare board game. Now should you not fulfill the request of your truth or dare you were faced with the humiliation of wearing a zit sticker.

The problem with this was the zit stickers weren't reusable. Once the sheets were used up the same because useless. You were back to playing sad, zitless Truth or Dare. No box, no pink and purple board, nothing. Just the shame of your mother piling your Girl Talk game into the donation box for Goodwill.

Ask Zandar

Put away those Magic 8 Balls and Ouija boards because here comes the ultimate game of divination -- Ask Zandar. Zandar is a wizard that when asked a question and waved over, will answer to nothing less than an amazing degree of accuracy. I can't remember what exactly the point of the game was, but what drive do you really need to play with a plastic fortune-telling wizard? It's all the fun of Zoltan from Big in board-game size.

Zandar came with a colorful array of jewels and yes/no pieces. One thing that Zandar didn't have was a dragon. All great wizards have dragons, but not Zandar. His dedication to the trade was founded with such sheer intensity that he dare not have such distractions. Zandar was a master of the art, almost Godlike in his poise, always ready to direct your life through the questions you asked him. Such power obviously required fueling from AA batteries. How else could he forge from the depths of fate answers to such questions as, "Does Johnny have a crush on me?"

A lot of you have probably never heard of this game. In the late 90s the Wonderful World of DiC in correlation with 3VR produced The 3D Adventures of Sailor Moon. It was one of my favorites in middle school -- not for its great gameplay or amazing graphics, but for its utter hilarity. I believe it was mainly issued in Canada. My friend, Lavender Feline, purchased it online back in the late 90s. It was practically a Barbie game with imported Sailor Moon skins.

You could parade around your favorite scout or "senshi" for you purists, in their costume as a robotic voice told you their favorite color. It also has some puzzle games and a fuckton of video clips. Most of the game was video clips. You "win" the game by collecting all the pens from the various stations in the game. The prize? Getting to play the games again.

Mall Madness

Oh Mall Madness. Why so mad? Did a boy forget to call you the next day? Did your hairdresser botch your dye job? Whatever the reason, I still love you, Mall Madness. Your pink plastic pieces prove permanent prestige in my purpose. You and alliteration.

Mall Madness strikes a cord in the true passion of all women -- shopping. You and your "friends" race around the mall for the best bargains and whoever finishes their shopping list first wins. They need to combine this game with Mystery Date. Race around the mall and find a boy stupid enough to pay for all your shit.

Pretty Pretty Princess

Pretty Pretty Princess is a game where you get to brag to your friends about how you look way better in pieces of colored plastic than they do. The object of the game is to spin around in circles until you get all the required accessories to be a princess. Just beware of the evil black ring, because only whores and goths wear black jewelry. Besides, all true princesses must wearing matching accessories.

The worst aspect of this game is you wind up hearing that painfully dull tale from your one retarded girl friend that insists she really is a princess. That could just be me, though. I always wound up with the jinx friends in elementary school that would come over and break half my toys and pee through their sleeping bags. In retrospect, I should have never let them over. I'd have so many more My Little Ponies and Cabbage Patch Kids in mint condition.

Pretty Pretty Princess has now lent itself to the Disney Princesses. This makes it a lot easier as the sucker who gets stuck with being the green piece is now Princess Ariel, and not just the sucker with the green piece. The whole thing makes me want to get a Pretty Pretty Princess t-shirt that says, "I wear the black ring," on it.

 

Strawberry Shortcake Musical Match-Ups for Atari 2600 was my very first video game. I can't tell you how old I was when I got it because frankly I was too young to remember. Two of my earliest memories are playing Strawberry Shortcake on Atari and watching My Little Pony and Friends while eating a large bowl of cereal before nursery school. It was a great starter game because all you did was press random buttons. The goal was to match up pictures of Strawberry and her friends. If you matched them correctly, they played a sweet tune and danced. If you matched them incorrectly they squawked and caterwauled with the force of a deadly tsunami.

There were no adventures. No side scrolling. No blasting planes or venturing through the woods. Just good old fashion 1-screen video game fun. It had less gameplay than Frog Bog, but I loved it just the same.

We ladies all try to pretend that this isn't something we do, but we've been raised from our Pretty Pretty Princess days to play this game as well. You know the sort of game -- head games. That's why I'm officially declaring, I'm Mad at You but Won't Tell You Why as my #1 girl game.

This game takes the silent treatment and extends it to deprivation of anything and everything. Your man forgot to take out the trash? Don't let him know that pissed you off -- just deprive him of poon. It's the woman's way of revenge after so many years of segregation. He may not figure it out, but you may just get yourself a bouquet of flowers and a trip to Red Lobster out of the deal.

 

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