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Ah, Kentucky Fried Chicken. Nothing makes me hungrier than thinking about sinking my teeth into some genetically mutated poultry. Finger-licking good. Their horrific Southern cooking has stretched up north to Canada and even flew the coop as far as Japan. The Colonel won't rest until all the world has tasted his golden giblets. I've never been a big KFC fan, and prefer to eat a Twister when I go there as opposed to a giant bucket of fried bones. It's not worth it to me to gnaw away at something that contains less meat than a chicken nugget.

While other fast food restaurants are worrying about healthy solutions like salads and fruit, KFC is working harder to create the most god-awful artery-clogging concoctions your can imagine. When I watched the advertisements for their new "KFC Famous Bowls" I couldn't imagine them being famous for anything more than causing instant constipation.

Here's the rundown of what this "bowl" consists of. Imagine, if you will, a giant scoop of mashed potatoes topped off with corn, popcorn chicken, cheese, and yes -- the piece de resistance -- GRAVY. The commercial for this item practically parodies itself by featuring a man ordering all the top KFC items and then being curiously asked by a snarky cashier if he'd like her to top it all off with a cheese medley and gravy. It's like the good people at KFC never heard of cholesterol.

Of course I had to try one -- just for journalistic purposes, I assure you. The voyage started off strangely enough. It was early Sunday evening as I finally decided to throw some decent clothes on and make my way down the road to the gas station for fuel for the venture. On my way I happened to pass two spiky-haired black-clad skateboarders which were oddly placed along the farm roads. As I passed I noticed one sticking out his thumb and, as I have a heart of gold, stopped and picked them up. We spoke briefly, my not wanting to relinquish what horror I was out to seek that fine evening. The young boys thanked me many times for the ride, and were kind enough not to steal anything out of my car on the drive to Sheetz. I dropped them off, filled up my tank, and was off again.

My local KFC is very old and in a hard-to-get-to location next to a shitty grocery store that only old people stop at on their way back from their weekly bingo game. I'm still pissed at them because many years ago they said I could have their Pokemon window clings when they were done with them, and they never did. Selfish bastards.

The new Famous Bowls are topped off with their new bigger Popcorn Chicken. It's amazing to live in a society where you can have a diet consisting entirely of "bite-sized" food. Then you can wash it down with a gallon-sized bucket of soda for an additional $1.50! God bless America, please pull around to window 1.

I opted to spend $5 on the Bowl Combo as I figured, y'know.. I'd get some sides in there or something. Apparently the "combo" just means you get an extra drink. I find this very disheartening as I was particularly hoping to top this shit off with some hot mac and cheese. Damn you Colonel! Even Taco Bell gives you an extra taco in their combos.

There it is, folks! $4 worth of KFC leftover scrapings dumped in a 700 calorie bowl. It didn't smell too bad. In fact -- it smelled and looked.... sort of tasty. Like a chicken nugget Kid Cuisine topped off with cheese and gravy. But more expensive and you don't get a puzzle and blue icing.

The meatball sized chunks of chicken were swimming in everything. I didn't know whether to eat this thing or see what I could get it to stick to. The inevitable did happen, and my forkful of slop found it's way into my mouth. To my amazement, the bowl was fucking fantastic. Of course it tasted good, it was amazingly bad for me! Man. This is was great! Now instead of ordering 3 different things at KFC I could just eat them all together like a pig eating out of a fucking trough!







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