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The Dollar Tree is generally one of the best stores to find great $1 toys and games. By default I have to claim Dollar General as my favorite for the 25¢ generic candy bars, specifically the Chocolate Cookies and Mint bars. So chocolatey.... so minty.... so cookie-ey. Plus they have things that are higher than a dollar, but equally as cool. Like My Little Ponies! On a recent excursion to my local college town, Kutztown, I popped in to the Dollar Tree. I'm not afraid to admit I occasionally grocery shop at this store. Sometimes I want a bag of chips and a bag of miniature ponies, so where the hell else should I go? From living in a town of 4,000, I can't go to the local grocery store without running into 6 people I knew in high school and was hoping to never see again.

This particular Dollar Tree is a fairly well-kept one, owing partially to it being in college town. I like to wander all around the store, even down the fake plastic flower aisle. Dollar Tree has treasure everywhere, and you can't exclude the fake plastic flower aisle. Once I had steered myself past the throngs of plastic hangers and moth balls, I arrived at the snack food aisle. Just past the endcap of Little Debbies snack cakes I found this anomaly.

Crayola... donuts? Hold on here! Crayola is the crayon people! Shouldn't they be disassociating themselves from edibles? Isn't Chewola bubble gum far enough? On one hand it looks fantastically fun and semi delicious. On the other hand, very few baked goods that cost $1 can be in any way construed as appetizing -- particularly those that include icing and sprinkles. This box was either produced by the slave labor of bastard children of Guatemalan street whores, or is old as fucking sin. I'm not seeing any expiration date, so we'll go with the whore children.

I've seen a few of these "baked donut" tins and sets circulating in stores. My personal feeling is baked or fried -- fill it up with peanut butter icing and I'll go full-on lesbian eating that shit out. The box claims to have everything needed to make donuts, which is frightening as even Betty Crocker requires an egg or some oil for a batch of brownies. Two eggs if you want cakey brownies! I top my brownies with peanut butter and chocolate chips, but "Cooking with Mystie" is another article for another day.

You might notice this is the "Dino-Mite Donut Party." It's aptly named as the kit includes Dinosaur-shaped sprinkles. I have yet to discover if this boasting extends to taste as well. Based on the small amount of icing involved in my decorating items, I'm leaning towards hyperbole. These packets are like icing shots, something you'd find next to packs of Go-Gurt in the dairy section.

The good part is they provided a multicolored selection of icing shots. Much more neon than normal icing, but I think Crayola is going more for the decorating aspect than the taste. I'm going to prepare myself for chocolate iced croutons and hopefully be pleased when I create a pastry that doesn't taste like sugar-glazed ass. I'm counting on these dinosaur sprinkles to be my saving grace, so hopefully this isn't some trick to get me to eat crayon flakes shaped like Steggyies and T-Rexies.

Outside the box doesn't provide much information outside of gloating how wonderful it is and can cure all that ails ya. Thankfully, the inside package contains a fold-out sheet of step-by-step instructions on how to create crusty bakery hellspawns in various dinosaur laden shapes. They even suggest you use fun cut-outs, which is fantastic for me as I have a few odd cutters that aren't really X-Mas appropriate.

Unicorn donuts with dinosaur sprinkles -- why not? I'm not bothering to drive across town to Foose Cookie Cutters just for dinosaur shaped cutters. I don't want to come home with metal dinos in every shape and $50 worth of sprinkles and icing, which would be an inevitable ending. This unicorn cutter gives me enough trouble as it is, but maybe I'll have better luck with donut dough. I'm going to splurge on an extra can of frosting in case of any emergency operations. If I don't need it, I can always ice the cat.

The instructions, while decorative and full of fun suggestions, proved to be total bullshit. When I mixed the donut powder with the 1/4 cup water I forked myself a sticky ball of what appeared to be lumpy brown Play-Doh -- only with a much more pungent aroma. I attempted to mold the shit, but it has the consistency of spoiled oatmeal. My unicorn looked more like a abnormal cyst than a magical creature. I managed to make some donut lumps and figured I'd just combine them into something more appealing after they've been baked.

The ball of dough couldn't have been bigger than my fist. If I stuck this is a field I doubt the flies would be able to tell the difference between the donut dough and a cow pie. I'm hoping some severe chemical taste and scent reaction happens during baking.

10-15 minutes later I had a fresh batch of baked baby puke. Damn. Looks like I might have enough frosting after all. I opened up the yellow icing first which, sure enough looked like mustard. My unicorn was coated first, seeping yellow death all over it's whimsical form. The horn was made green like the fresh forest grass that unicorns prance their delicate hooves upon.

The rest of the icing was dumped on. Icing and dinosaur sprinkles everywhere! It was like a massacre of pastry rejects. As you can see, I made a generous donut penis out of my lumps. The expanse of my creativity knows no bounds. I picked up my first donut victim, eyeing it up like a hungry cat on the prowl. I bit, I chewed....


HOLY SHIT THAT WAS TERRIBLE!!! Oh all that is good, holy, and full of cuddly balls of kitten fluff! Man. I took the entire batch and dumped it right down the crapper to save myself the trouble. Remind me to never trust any food kits from Crayola again.


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