For a few years now I've been the internet's leading authority on the Hugga Bunch. I've gotten dozens of emails ranging from, "How do I best wash my Hugga Bunch?" to "Where can I buy the movie on DVD?" I've made the big web page, I've reviewed the comic. Finally I bring you a review of The Hugga Bunch movie, in all it's fluffy pink girly goodness.
Our story doesn't begin with flashy effects, songs, or crazy special effects. It begins with a little girl noticing troubled waters at home. He parents are buttering her up with "just because" gifts. Her grandmother is acting strangely. Worse yet, everyone in the house is too busy for hugs! Aw!
The little girl, Bridgett, is starting to hear voices. She's not sure if she's going crazy from hugless stress or if there really are monsters in the closet. She devises a unique plan to lure the creatures out.
This is the sandwich of death. It consists of bacon, strawberries, eggs, and syrup sandwiched between two peanut butter coated pancakes. One assumes this is constructed as a lure for whatever creatures are hiding in her mirror. Little girls like bitchface here don't tend to eat things larger than their heads. She returns to her room with the sandwich, and soon begins hearing the mirror giggles again.
No, this isn't a scene from Child's Play, I'm still reviewing Hugga Bunch. A rosy plush head with pink brillo pad hair emerges from inside the mirror. Not quite as frightening as the "Tale of the Lonely Ghost" episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark, but I'd rate it as being equally irksome.
Huggins emerges from the mirror, stiff and swaying like a poltergeist. Bridgett meets her eyes, falling backwards onto her bed in terror. The beast doth wander to her pray, smacking her lips and giggling in utter madness. Hark! She be a friendly creature and doth befriend the lady Bridgett
Okay, enough of that. Me thinks I haveth annoyed ye enough.
I will now present to you the scientific theory of hugs.
If you get a really good, squishy hug with a Hugga little sparkles appear in the sky. The fireworks during mating season are phenomenal.
Like all little girls Bridgett and Huggins are full of sugar and spice and morbid curiosity. Huggins walks into Bridgett's brother's room and helps herself to one of his hats.Then she wanders further and gets scooped up in a pile of dirty clothes. Curiosity. killed the cat and almost drowned the Hugga. Laundry day is a very dangerous day.
After a quick blow job Huggins is starting to feel back to normal. Her pink tendrils are re-curled and she's luckily managed to avoid any embarrassing static cling.
This is when the plot thickens. Huggins devises a plan to voyage into Huggaland and seek help from the bookworm. The bookworm is all-knowing and may assist in any grandmother related woes.
Welcome to Huggaland! Everything is soft, plush, or furry. Bridget lost a shoe, but since Huggaland is so soft she leaves it at the entrance and dips in further. Huggaland seems to be filled with a lot of mushrooms which isn't too surprising as the writers seem to be big shroom fans. There's also a plush bridge which we can only assume goes over a strawberry soda river. Huggins runs into her male counterpart, Hugsy who joins in on the fun.
Aww.... interracial love. Bridget is introduced to all the cute and marketable characters of Huggaland, even the little huglets. No one shakes hands to greet in Huggaland, oh no! They gotta hug. And what's better than hugging than a whole fucking song about hugging! All the inhabitants of Huggaland get in on the action, tap-dancing and caterwauling like stuffed gremlins in heat.
The crew is off in their wagon to go visit the bookworm. You can tell the producers really dipped into the budget for this scene. It's not just a wagon, it's a pillow encrusted wagon. Those pillows probably cost all of $12 to make and the guy who made the pillows was paid $25/hr.
The bookworm is creepy at best. His head looks like a giant penis with glasses. That makes the Hugga Bunch movie slightly less nauseating than watching BooBahs, but every bit as mind-numbing. The voice of the bookworm alone is enough reason to press "stop" and go back to eating dirt in the backyard.
The bookworm sent them on a journey for young berries. These berries, once eaten, will make the consumer young. However, there is only one tree that bares this fruit and it resides with an evil queen outside Huggland. The roads past Huggaland are rough and awkward. Awkward in that they turned the camera on it's side to make it looks like our adventurers are walking on walls.
To further terrify the children watching this movie they threw in a fire breathing wooly mammoth. Hugsy the Brave goes full throttle towards it, creeping right up to his ankles. He caresses the beast, hugging it with all the intensity a Hugga can muster.
Magically the beast turns into a cuddly patchwork elephant plushie. He was put under a spell by the evil queen with the young berries. The crew hopped a ride on his back as he led them into the dank, dreary castle.
As you can see, visitors are not particularly welcome and the small ones will be digested. As in eaten. As in cannibalism. As in was this really necessary for a kids movie?
Once inside they request an audience with the queen. The queen is played by a reject rom Snow White that has the acting skills of an amateur porn star. For all we know she could be an amateur porn star. Some people take their plushie fetishes way too seriously.
That sparks an odd preteen memory -- the first time I found out about plushie fetishes. Good lord did I never want to see Alf in such a compromising position. But that is neither here nor there. Onward and upward.
Giant booger monsters grab the Huggas and shuffle off with them. They might not be giant boogers. They could indeed be pickles or giant amoebas as well. Whatever generic green blob monster costumes were available at the Halloween leftover sales. Either way, giant green shit monsters lock up the Huggas and freeze Bridgett
The patchwork elephant fights his fears and rescues both of them. Brig is resurrected with hug power and now they've got their goal in sight. She fills a glass goblet up with as many young berries as she can pluck from the tree. The queen approached and our young adventurers scatter with the key to the tree trapped underneath the closing encasement. The queen rushes for the key which just out of reach, and as the bell tolls she ages rapidly and dies.
Now the thing I failed to mention about young berries is that they disappear once they touch the ground. Once Miss Bridgett arrives back home with the young berries she promptly falls like a sumo wrestler in 6" stilettos and drops all the berries. The berries, of course, disappear and now the entire adventure is seemingly for not. We, the audience, get to enjoy the pleasure of watching a little girl cry, so at least it's not a total loss.
The next day granny is all packed and ready to live out the rest of her life playing checkers and watching soap operas at a retirement home. Everyone is getting ready to say goodbye and put her out to pasture. When push comes to shove little hardass brother cries like a bitch for his granny, begging her not to leave.
The movie was on of my favorites as a child, despite the poor quality from just about every aspect. But at least once it was over they detailed for you how hard they worked on such a junky movie.