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Almost a decade ago I was very involved in the buying of Pop-Tarts. It was December 1996 when Sailor Moon fans in all their excitement and ignorance decided to buy up all the strawberry Pop-Tarts they could afford. Why? Because Kellogg's Pop-Tarts used to sponsor Sailor Moon, and somehow we got it in our head that if we bought as many strawberry pastries as we could, Sailor Moon would magically make its way back to TV.

Back in the age of the Pop-Tart Procott we were damned with "normal" flavor Pop-Tarts. We might have had the exotic S' mores flavor by then, but certainly not any Carmel Coated Candy Sprinkled Fudge Stripe Marshmallow flavors like we have today.

Pop-Tarts have seen as many incarnations as Cher. One day it's Pop-Tarts cereal then BAM! Pop-Tarts Snack Sticks. SPLAT! Pop-Tarts Pastry Swirls! KABOOM! Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts. They've been endorsed by Spiderman, Spongebob, Star Wars, and even American Idol.

Finally Pop-Tarts have found a way to make your teeth rot before you even eat the confectionary death. These aren't your normal strawberry Pop-Tarts with Hello Kitty adorning the front. It's a death trap of sugar and red #40. The box has enough frosted slabs to land one halfway to diabetes. The flavor claims to be Meow-Berry which is code for, "leftover fruit shit." Add some colorful sprinkles on the top and you've got a tart that'll make Strawberry Shortcake cry defeat.

Hello Kitty is notorious for endorsing anything you stick under that yellow button nose of hers. Hello Kitty is to Japan what Ron Jeremy is to porn. She's even got a posse that'd make P-Diddy run home crying for his mommy. There isn't an animal in the kingdom she can't shrink down and make into an adorable and profitable side-kick.

I think I'm getting a sugar rush just from the puzzle on the back. Puzzles are fun, but I've always been partial to the cut-outs. I like disemboweling my snack containers and making them into masks and standees. The search for bows is pretty fun, but I'm still a loyal fan of Find Frankie.

Upon opening the box you'll find yourself staring at 2400 calories worth of iced cuteness. That's about the same as two McDonald's Deluxe Breakfasts. Wash it down with some strawberry milk and you'll have enough pink-sugar power to fart rainbows for the rest of the day.

Rainbow Brite: Do you really think eating this will help me fart rainbows?

Mouse Purr-tender: Sure it will, look at all those fancy star sprinkles!





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