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Some time ago, perhaps during the Christmas season, I saw the commercial for this product and knew I would have to own one. Not because of the display of tasty treats. Not because of the croaking chorus of squeaky-voiced aliens. I wanted it because it looked so crappy. If you pay any sort of attention to this commercial you will see the chocolate goo flowing out of this machine appears to have lumps in it. I wondered if RoseArt had developed some horrid chocolate slime mix you needed in order to use it.

The RoseArt Real Chocolate Fountain is very deceptive. You may have delusions of grandeur of it melting away Hershey bars so you might indulge yourself in decadent chocolate strawberries. The vile truth is it's nothing more than a plastic volcano for chocolate syrup.

I scoured through several different stores before finally driving out to Toys R Us and paying $25 for the thing. Going to that particular Toys R Us is depressing as the store is often quite empty, dingy, and lacking a lot of the required magic for a toy store. At least they had my chocolate fountain, and for that, I was grateful.

choco-riffic

It was easy enough to assemble, the pieces all lock into place. The spoons double as chop sticks, which I found particularly clever. No food products come with it but I filled my candy tray with sprinkles and candy bits that I had at home. I decided to go wild and stir up some crazy trouble! Instead of chocolate I purchased Fairly Odd Berry Syrup and some pretzels to dip into it.

Don't ever ever ever buy this syrup. It's Limited Edition, and hopefully not still around, but if you ever see it, steer clear! This shit looks like cough medicine and tastes like melted Sucrets mixed with arsenic.

glug glug glug glug

I filled up my fountain and turned the machine on. It spun around and around while the motor buzzed like a fucking chainsaw, but no syrup came out. I waited. Still nothing. I took the pieces out and put them back in. I turned it back on, and still nothing. I sat there looking at it, wondering why the hell I wasn't getting a geyser of berry poison. Then I heard what sounded like a leaky urinal, but turned out to be oozing syrup.

oh shit oh shit oh shit

OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!!!!

Syrup went EVERYWHERE. It leaked over my table, down into my carpet, and even landed on my brand new Double Dare t-shirt! Despite my room being a continual graveyard for old cups and bowls, I couldn't find a damn one! I had to forsake the cup of ice tea I was drinking to catch the runoff.

yucky snacks

Two dozen tissues later and I had it mostly under control. I couldn't just give up now, so I dipped myself a pretzel and coated it in sprinkles. I can only describe the taste as something you might experience chewing a piece of gum you find stuck under the seat in a discount movie theater.

I took the machine to the kitchen for cleaning. I thought I had it rinsed out thoroughly, but lo and behold -- it continued dripping virgin blood all over the counter. Son of a bitch. I'm taking this thing back to the store. Learn from my mistake -- don't buy The Real Chocolate Fountain. Just pour your chocolate syrup directly into your mouth instead. It's a lot less clean-up.

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