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I must feel like a nut, because I'm going to be reviewing flavored Almond Joys along with other odd sugar-loaded snacks.

Milk chocolate and coconut -- fine. Milk chocolate, coconut, and fruity flavors -- SAY WHAT?! Candy companies are going on a "Limited Edition" craze. They're adding everything from macadamia nuts to sweet and sour pork into the candy mix. The inside of the Passion Fruit Almond Joy looks, smells, and tastes like Mr Clean. As I opened the Key Lime I was insanely distraught as the sticker on the front has obscured one important word from my view -- white. I HATE white chocolate. But even the purest brown chocolate couldn't have saved this concoction. It feels like I just bit into a Pine Tree air freshener. Great, I can just leave these in the back seat of my car and it'll smell like I just had it detailed.

One thing you must know about me -- I LOVE chocolate and coffee. When I was temping at the mental health center downtown, there was the most fantastic bakery across the street that sold an orgasmic $3 iced cafe mocha. The thought of Hershey producing coffee chocolate is already soaking my panties. This joy could only be surpassed if I had discovered some sort of chocolate coffee cola.

The Carmel Cappuccino is designed like the common Caramello but is filled with liquefied blood-rushing coffee goo. I have an idea for a Caramello rip-off, too. It'd be called Bordello and the chocolate pockets would be filled with creamy blood. It'd be the snack of choice for whiny goths on MySpace. The obvious problem would be producing a tasty fake blood, because real blood would have obvious health issues.

Mocha Almond --- delicious. A gal pal and I could eat an entire crate of these within one viewing of Beaches. The light chocolate and nutty flavor reminds me of eating those no-bake cookie lumps I love so much.

I didn't even want to buy these MoonPies. I only picked them up because Matt bought some and well... monkey see monkey do. If I had a nickel for every time X-E inspired me to do something stupid, I could play the nickel slots at Atlantic City for upwards of 10 minutes.
The cake is as dry as insulation. I can imagine they're a lot better if you have a nice cold glass of milk to dunk them in. Chewing all the tough marshmallow in one of these pulled a fucking muscle in my jar. If it was a triple decker I might have lost a tooth.

 

 

False advertising! These pop rocks don't turn into gum. It's pop rocks mixed with beads of gum. The pop rocks are pink and white with a light strawberry flavor and once those melt away you're left with just the bits of regular flavor gum. I dumped the entire pack into my mouth and only wound up with the equivalent of 2 Bazooka Joe's worth of gum. And I didn't even get a comic! Plus because of all the residue left in the gum, it proves difficult to blow a bubble large enough to get caught on the tip of your nose.

You're reading that right. Herr's Milk Chocolate Coated Potato Chips. Even though chocolate pretzels have been around for years, potato chips covered in chocolate just seem wrong to me. Then again, I'm Pennsylvania Dutch and eat candy and donuts made of potatoes all the time. Taste wise, they're not half bad. The chocolate potato chip may indeed be the next pretzel cone. The salty ruffles make the chocolate taste a little bit sweeter.

There you have it, I just did a little calculator work and apparently I'll have to work out for 2 hours to burn off all these calories. Damn. Maybe I should have gotten some of those chocolate laxatives.

mystie@crowncombo.com

 

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