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I've had a habit of turning my current job into articles. When I worked for Wal-Mart I reviewed stickers from the Back-to-School clearance. When I worked for the arcade I reviewed toys and trinkets I'd take from the ticket redemption case. Now that I work at a call center for a popular Eastern US department store, I decided I'd better drive over to the mall and see what this store was made of.

Now I could care less about the fashionable clothing or expensive cosmetics. When ladies call in placing internet orders for $3,000 gold bangles I have a tendency to push the mute button on my phone and groan, "Spoiled rich ass bitch," into my mouthpiece. But a 15% employee discount was enough for me to dive head-first into the toy section.

The toy department was standard department store size. The thing that caught my attention about it was it wasn't the same lines of action figures and dolls you'd find at Target. Sure, they still had Bratz and Transformers, but there was a lot of other unique gadgets beyond that, including the horrific Real Chocolate Fountain you may remember from an earlier article. The best part was all the clearance sections sprawled about. I found myself torn between purchasing a machine that makes Crayola Crayons or a kit for making Monster-shaped chocolate lollipops. As you can see, I chose the lollipops.

Loyal readers will know that I have a fondness for doing reviews of "make your own" type kits. They often look great on the outside, but the inside is a mishap waiting to happen. I've had stain-causing spills and calamities galore, but I keep trying to find that one special kit that will actually live up to my expectations. I figured if I had a mishap with this kit at least it would be a tasty mishap.

The inside was simple, a few packs of this and that needed to make all kinds of chocolate ogres and Cyclopses. The kit contains enough materials to make 8 sugarlicious savages, yet only enough candy eyeballs for 4 of them. I was quite saddened by this as candy eyes are one of my favorite confections. It's the first thing I nibble off my Easter bunnies. There was a hefty some of multi-colored chocolate wafers but I must have gotten a bum mix because there were only 4 of my favorite color -- blue.

I separated all the colors out into small tupperware containers. The instructions said to microwave half of them on medium for two minutes. I gave up doing division in third grade, so I just stuck them all in on high and swished them around until they looked melty enough.

I took the warm sugary goo to my room to begin the culinary masterpiece. I stuck a paintbrush in each cup and came up 1 brush short. I began detailing molds with colored horns, feet, teeth, and miscellaneous limbs. After each mold was painted and filled I stuck it in the freezer and started another, then popping the frozen ones out and repeating the process. The shortage of brushes was no problem as I began licking them clean and forgot which one went to which color in the first place.

Amazingly I had no real problems other than having to re-microwave the last bit of orange before finishing the last mold. There was an unfortunate loss of a horn, but the patient remained in stable condition. I now appreciate how hard it must be for culinary masters to create such heavenly delights and not lick the spoon afterwards.

My creations turned out absolutely beautiful. The picks of the litter were blessed with eyes, but not for long. The eyes didn't hold especially well, which was no trouble for me as I was planning to nibble them off, anyway. Only a few small malfunctions were present -- a broken horn and a little color bleeding. All in all, I have to say this turned out to be my best kit review to date. As for the flavor, they taste more like plastic sugar than chocolate. I don't know what the coloring does to make the chocolate taste iffy, but I've never been a fan of any chocolate that isn't brown.

The little horned guy looked especially cute in a Where the Wild Things Are sort of way. I chomped mightily on his cocoa flesh, crunchy and snarling as I washed his bones down with a large frosty glass of milk. While I tortured and humiliated him in front of his monster brethren, he remained smiling boldly. Perhaps he was planning a final revenge.

mystie@crowncombo.com

 

 

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mystie@crowncombo.com