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One thing you may not know about me is that I, like a lot of girls, am a little sister. The youngest and only girl of 3. Meaning I'm the sweet and spoiled little baby. Even though I'm soon approaching 23 with brothers of 24 and 26, we all still live at home. Hence I have a lot of experience dealing with annoying older brothers.

Little sisters have a lot of unwritten laws of the ongoing Sibling Wars. First and foremost being, "Snoop in your brothers' room as often as possible." Snooping among siblings is a very detailed but unappreciated art. It's the foundation for the Sibling Wars. Things like Punch Buggy or Last One There are just the battles.

Now I warn you, this is only for trained professionals with experience in annoyance.

When you break through the barrier into your brother's room, make sure you get a good look at the layout. Check for any alarms or little sister traps. If there's a Barbie doll placed under a box held up by a stick, that's an obvious trap. Don't set it off. Get a good feel for the room so you can make sure it looks the same way when you exit.

Video games are a perfect example of putting things back where they were. If you want to play Rescue Rangers but he has Ninja Gaiden in the NES, make sure you put Ninja Gaiden back in the system and Rescue Rangers in its original spot before you leave. Make sure the TV settings are the same as when you turned it on. Brothers may not be the most intelligent creatures, but when it comes to video games, they notice EVERYTHING.

Mystie Meets Samantha

Don't think you have to play with all his stuff while you're in there. You can just hang out and read but still get the same thrill of invading his space. Don't read anything too lengthy or involved, because you still want to be somewhat alert in case they come home. A small book or a magazine are a good bet.

Bank

If your brother has a piggy bank or, in this case, a broken Pepsi jar filled with pennies, feel free to steal some. He probably took that change from you in the first place. Plus you know he'll spend it on something stupid like packs of Gremlin stickers for his Panini Sticker Booker. Boys have a long history of losing money on idiotic things like arcade tokens and women that aren't really interested in them.

Should you find any liquor in his room, drink some. It'd be rude not to. Make yourself a nice cocktail on his bill. Boys have been losing money on buying girls' drinks for centuries. If he's gonna waste alcohol, it might as well be on you, right? After all, you're the one that got stuck in the toilet when that rat bastard forgot to put the seat down.

None of this has been particularly nosey. Let's get into the real snooping.

under the bed

Check under the mattress and the bed. This is usually a breeding ground for old nudie magazines. Or, in this case, Sega Genesis Games and books. But hey, Michael Jackson's Moonwalker game and a copy of Howard Stern's Private Parts are close to porn, right? Hit up all the drawers, too. Don't stop digging til you hit the bottom.

Computer

Another hot spot for porn is the computer. Go through all your brother's files and, if you can, email. If you find any porn, make sure you go tattle on him to mom. Check if he has any passwords automatically saved. Then you can go into his forum accounts and change his titles to "Assmaster" or "Muddy Helmet Man." Screw things up a little, but try to make it look like someone hacked his account.

cDs

If he has any good CDs feel free to burn yourself a copy. If he has any bad CDs, take a sharp implement and put scratches on them. You can even improvise and use the tip of a pen cap.

Burn baby burn

Now if you want to get really mean, just start bustin' shit up. Step on some GI Joe men and make it looks like an accident. Or if you're a REAL bad girl, burn the fuckers and get high off the fumes. If you inhale too many fumes and pass out, blame it on something you saw on TV. Just don't say it was from any program you actually enjoy or you'll be forbidden from watching it. Say you saw it on the news.

Last but not least, NEVER EVER confess to anything. The only situations where you should ever admit to even BEING in your brother's room are:

1. Your parents are going to ground you even worse for lying

or

2. You were taped on a surveillance system.

There you have it. Just make sure you put everything back where it was and get out of there before anyone sees you. Happy snooping!

 

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