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Wally the Wimp

Small Wonder. A cult hit amongst depraved, fucked up little sci-fi freaks. Guys that enjoy Small Wonder are the same ones you see hanging out in dusty little comic book shops wetting themselves in heated arguments over Magic the Gathering. The girl fans fill up page after page of slutty dominatrix Vicki fanfic. The followers of this show are rejects of the underground. Yet somehow, we all love to sing along to the theme song and make laughable comments about the lesbianic undertones.

Somewhere in between the red headed demonesses and laughable blue screen effects was a forgotten diamond in the rough of television history. Episode #41 - Wham-Bam Body Slam. Better known as Jesse "The Body" Ventura vs Vicki the Robot. Before he was governor of Minnesota he was body slammed by a freckle-faced robotic vixen.

Let's cut ahead a few minutes into the episode. Vicki is helping her mother carry in groceries when the doorbell rings. Vicki answers it in her little Strawberry Shortcake housemaid dress. What the hell is up with that dress? They don't want anyone to know she's a robot, but isn't wearing the same outfit all the time going to set off red lights on the Weird-o-meter? Seeing as child labor laws don't apply to robots, we'll let Vicki's obvious housekeeper status slide.

When Mrs. Lawson asks who's at the door, Vicki whoops out:

"HAILING FROM SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA, WEIGHING IN AT 240LBS, JESSE "THE BODY" VENTUURRAAAAAA!!!"

TA-DA!

Dig those crazy golden dreads. Looks like someone is taking a few beauty tips from Cleopatra. The headdress screams drag, but the facial hair screams "Mustache Rides - 25¢"

Mr. Ventura was in the area signing autographs, spotted Mrs Lawson, and followed her home. How Mrs. Lawson missed seeing his golden disco ball head reflecting in her rear-view mirror is a mystery I have yet to unravel. Mrs. Lawson has a mystery to unravel as well -- where the flying fuck does she know Jesse Ventura from?

I'll save you the guessing time and fill you in. Jesse and Joanie were cheerleader buddies in college. Here's the fun little twist, Jesse used to be Wally the Wimp until all the torturing from Ted (Mr. Lawson) sent him spiraling into the world of bodybuilding. Thus a scheme worthy of Lucy and Ethel is hatched. Jesse will be coming over for dinner, and Ted, under the impression he is still a 92lb weakling, will hatch plans to further prank him up.

I broughted you flowers.

Or not.

Ted's smuggling chocolate Easter eggs in his pants at the sight of the new and improved Wally the Wimp. That's the same look a lot of people had when Jesse interviewed for Playboy in 2002 while under office for Governor of Minnesota. Not actually for the interview -- for the fold-out on the center page. Who the hell actually reads Playboy?

On to dinner! All the cast members are squashed with no elbow room on one half of the table so the other half is open for a full camera shot. No dinner would be complete without the interruption of that miniature Peggy Bundy living next door, and soon the succubus is sashaying into the scene. Jamie is quick to compare his manliness to the likes of Jesse Ventura to impress the ladies.

Swoon.

After that mom stayed in the kitchen to clean up while Vicki and Ted retired to the living room with Jesse.

Eeeaaaatttt iiiiitttt....

Dinner was great, how about dessert? Nyuk nyuk nyuk. Jesse said today's secret word, and Ted programmed Vicki to whip cream him in the face instead of just screaming real loud. After he calms down Jesse shows off some of his moves on Ted. Vicki decides to show off some of her moves as well.

Vicki wham=bam-body-slams Jesse

Picking up a 240lb man and doesn't even mess up the tidy little ribbon in her hair. Seems like Jesse is probably doing one hell of a sit-up to keep that position in mid-air. Bless the creators of blue screen effects.

After being beaten by a little girl, there's only one way to cheer up The Body.

Oh baby, check out that sexy circuitry.

Confess to him that Vicki is really a robot. Hm. Her circuit board looks a lot like the back panel of Teddy Ruxpin. I wonder if Vicki also has a place to insert tapes of New Kids on the Block so you can giggle at her singing along to Right Stuff. Jesse is so grateful for Ted not making him feel like complete shit, he stages this little match to so Ted will look macho in front of the fam.

hehehehe...

Yooouu'rreee OUT! No, wait -- that's baseball. Um. How about... ding ding ding! Forgive me, it's been a while since I watched wrestling. The Hart Foundation is still together, right? And Paul Bearer is still managing the Undertaker? Don't tell me otherwise! LA LA LA LA!! I'M NOT LISTENING!!!!

 

 

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