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My normal fluffy girly retro articles have temporarily been replaced. I present now an article based on a comic book character whose title doesn't include the words "Princess" nor "Fairy." Plus I wanted an article that was a sure thing and as this comic details, Batman is comedy gold.

(click images to download full commercial)

"What goes on inside Batman's Head?" A question that has plagued man for decades. Finally we know for sure... Batman's head is filled with a fun mini playset. Basically Polly Pocket for boys. Except instead of mini swimming pools or clothing stores they launch cars and missiles. The Riddler version features a lovely grinning Jim Carrey, possibly thinking about the glorious prospects of next movie -The Cable Guy.

Everyone loves prizes in their cereal, and what could be better than the Dark Knight and Boy Wonder! Hero-Vision Puzzles, are they puzzles only heroes can see or puzzles that grant you the vision of a hero? Is it a jigsaw-type puzzle or perhaps a riddle? Riddle... mystery... enigma... Mr. E. Nygma! I think Kellogg's may be trying to tell us something. But it'll cost you $4.99 for the action packed mail-in to crack the code on this one.

Crime Squad Batman unearths ideas of riot gear or pistol-whipping action. But, this toy line focuses mainly on the aerial attack. Batman always had the sexiest vehicles. Batman could be riding a Dune Buggy and it would still be totally stylin' and pimped out. Crime Squad Batman's pimped out wings can even protect him against missile attacks. If only it could protect against his further damage to his wounded psyche.

This Batman has hot sizzlin' action we can only assume was acquired by getting hit by lightening. 66 times. In the head. Back in the day my Batman figure had only one special move - his utility belt stretched out and retracted. Super Heroes don't need super powers. Isn't that what Batman's all about? Anyone with laser vision can go out and fight crime, but Batman does it with his keen intellect, true fighting abilities, and maybe the help of some cool toys. ;)

From the expression on the face of this boy you'd think this playset opened up to reveal Wayne Brothel. This commercial features the Batman and Superman MicroVerse playsets. Why is it that Superman wears girly leotards but Batman's the one that get the gay rap? Clark Kent dresses like a preppy slut. Batman dresses like a real man, and has a cod piece to boot. And we all know what "batcave" is slang for...

Night Hunter Batman opposes the old saying "Blind as a bat," with help from some crazy souped up yellow goggles. This is from the Batman Forever series of toy junk. I've heard people tell tale that Tommy Lee should never has been cast as Two-Face because Two-Face is black. Those people can eat my ass, I only care that everyone in that movie was freaking HOT! Even Alfred was getting a little of that youthful mojo goin on. Joygasm!

Pirates are cooler than ninjas, and Batman has finally come around. I present to you - BUCCANEER BATMAN! It's not just Batman, it's First Mate Robin as well. Oh there's so many sexual innuendos I could make. Now that they've become pirates, they're even more obsessed with booty! Unsheathing the sword! Butt pirates! Long John! *ahem* You get the picture. Buccaneer Batman should have a funny hat or a peg leg or something, he doesn't seem too pirate-y.

This is the prime cut of the article, the filet mignon if you will. The Taco Bell Batman Kids Meal. The box itself was a playset of sorts, a taco hide-out if you will. One of the prizes is a Batmobile toy that crashes apart on impact, much like the Taco Bell taco itself. Another notable prize is the "Batman on Ice," an icepop maker with a Batman figural center stick. Perfect for those of us who have always dreamed of sucking down Batman.

This set is supposed to be a hero collaboration. Batman's name comes first, he's showed first, gets the most airplay in the commercial, and only his logo is shown. These other guys never had a chance. Batman even has special fractal tech-gear. All the Flash can do is run fast. And green lantern? What the hell kind of name is that? If you have to Google a hero to find out what their powers are, that's definitely not a good sign.

Not many things can go well with both tacos and cereal, but Batman masters it. Now you have 9 lovely new Batman commercials. You know, as soon as I'm done with this article I'll probably pop in an old video and find some super crazed old Batman commercial that wallops all of these. Go figure.

 

mystie@crowncombo.com

 

 

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