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Bad 90's Toys

The 90's were a plethora of unusual toys. Battery-operated technology was peaking higher and higher. Toy companies attached a motor to any piece of plastic crap they could get their hands on and sold them for $30 a piece. Board games weren't boards anymore. They were interactive battle royales with every kid for themselves. Half of these things wound up eating your hair or lighting your house on fire. Or if violence isn't you're bag, they've got some sexual innuendos, too.

Mr Bucket
(Click here for the commercial)

I remember being on the playground and hearing the boys in class belching out the words to the popular Mr. Bucket commercial. His balls popped out of his mouth. Even if they didn't understand the entirety of that statement, it was still damn funny. I'm sure they took great pleasure in being able to say "balls" and "mouth" in the same sentence without being taken to the principal's office.

A lot of this talk of Mr. Bucket went on during recess. At the time my school's playground mainly consisted of a lot of metal bars at various heights. If you were lucky you could get a good seat on the metal bars to gather and gab with your friends. It wasn't until 5th grade that we got one of those fancy plastic playsets with twisty slides and everything. Sadly, the day of it's unveiling I came down with the flu and didn't get to test it out for days later. My friends regaled me in tales of the colossal lines formed to get a ride down the twisty slide. But let's get back to the subject...

Cold Turkey
(Click here for commercial)

It wasn't just slogans that were a hilarious inside jokes from the adult manufacturers. It was the actual names of the toys, such as Cold Turkey. You can't tell me that name just happened by chance. No one makes a game about frozen poultry then later realizes there's a great anecdote to be made. I bet Peta had a field day when this was released. Making a game about freezing turkeys to death. They could at least have made the object of the game to free the turkey from impending doom. Instead you're shoving him out of the way to grab colored ice cubes at his feet. They could have just replaced the turkey with a severed foot and called the game Cold Feet.

Dizzy Dryer
(Click here for commercial)

Dizzy Dryer faired so badly it all but dropped off the face of the Earth. My guess is the plastic shirts spent less time getting thrown into the dryer and more time being thrown at annoying siblings. Besides, what kid wants to play a game based on something they have to do as a chore?


My best guess is someone saw the drunken washer vs dryer races on The Simpsons and thought it would be a marketable idea. This is approximately the time that toys went from being good, wholesome fun to being flashy pieces of crap for the upcoming ADD generation. As sales of the Uncle Wiggly Game decrease, the prescriptions for Ritalin increase.

(click here for commercial)

The year Gooey Louie came out I heard on the news this was the Furby of the UK. Parents were bowling each other over to get it in time for Christmas. European kids must really like boogies. Louie has his tongue protruding like he's trying to get a slimy taste of the nose goblins. The concept of this game is to pick "gooies" out of Louie's nose and if you get the special gooie, his brain pops out. The great thing about this game was it put to bed the saying, "You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose."

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